When I Finally Listened: A Divorce Story About Trusting Yourself
When I separated from my husband, my children were 21 and 26. It wasn’t a sudden break — it unfolded over years. I had actually separated two years before finally deciding to end the marriage. For a while, I went back, thinking maybe we could make it work. That reconciliation lasted about a year and a half.
Looking back, I wish I had listened to my inner voice and followed through with the divorce earlier. Instead, I listened to other people’s advice — their hopes, their opinions, their “what ifs.” During those two years, my spouse stopped working, citing health issues and changes in the job market. That decision had consequences. It made me the higher earner and created a real possibility that I’d have to pay him support. I lost the ability to negotiate from a place of fairness or strength.
If I could give advice to anyone in that position, it would be this: if you think your marriage won’t work, you’re probably right. Listen to yourself. The longer you delay, the more you risk your financial stability — and your peace of mind.
At the beginning, I may have let my emotions get the better of me with my children. I lashed out from a place of hurt, reacting instead of responding. But I learned to step back and quiet my emotions. Things couldn’t hurt me as much when I stopped letting them.
Through it all, I held onto one truth: I love my children. The situation wouldn’t last forever, so I needed to decide how I wanted to show up — how to be an example for them, not a victim of my circumstances.
During the divorce process, I made a mistake by not forcing mediation first. Instead, I sent letters of offer too early and gave away my position. That decision cost me leverage — and leverage matters.
The start of the process was terrifying. You don’t know what you don’t know. It feels like everyone’s out to take advantage of you. I went through three lawyers before finding the right one.
The first moved too fast, and I had no idea what she was even talking about.
The second repeated herself endlessly — I got the feeling she was padding her hours.
The third, finally, was the right fit. She was clear, grounded, and patient.
I wish he had moved faster. He delayed and dragged things out, costing us both unnecessary time and money. I think he needed emotional help — maybe therapy or counseling — to accept what was happening. The truth is, just because one person doesn’t want the divorce doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Delay only increases pain and expense.
I leaned heavily on books, therapy, and friends. It took me a long time to believe it was okay for me to make this decision. Reading helped. Therapy helped. So did long nights talking with my girlfriends — I’m forever grateful they didn’t tire of hearing me work through the same emotions again and again.
Journaling became another lifeline. Writing down my thoughts uncovered what was really going on beneath the surface. It forced honesty. And when you’re honest with yourself, healing begins. That’s when you stop repeating old mistakes.
My lawyer was helpful in many ways. She walked me through each step, explained what might happen, and prepared me for our countermoves. She was available and quick to respond.
The only part that didn’t sit well was the last-minute counteroffers before mediation. I conceded too quickly, eager to get it over with. My ex had a strategy — delay, delay, delay — hoping I’d wear down. And in some ways, it worked. I gave too much away too early.
I’ve just wrapped up my divorce, so it’s too soon to know how post-divorce life will unfold. For now, I’m breathing again. Standing still. Trying to remember what calm feels like after years of motion and uncertainty.
If nothing else, I’ve learned this: listening to yourself isn’t selfish — it’s survival.